For the first time in about 6 months, I see the end of the tunnel. I see the light! Yesterday was the first time in forever that I can remember that I ate better portions. I knew EVERYTHING that went in my mouth. I knew all the calories and wrote it all down. I had gained some weight in the last couple of weeks from depression and binge eating TONS of food. So much so I would make my stomach hurt, turn around and eat some more. It was a bottomless pit. It still feels that way. BUT yesterday I finally did it! I know the big thing I need out of the house is all the sugar junk. It's the end of that wonderful time of the month so hopefully I will be able to get rid of the HUGE craving I have for chocolate and junk and sugar! I know you lose water weight the first week or two so I am hoping I will keep up on my better eating! From yesterday to today, I lost 3.4 lbs! Proof I was eating too much. Proof I wasn't drinking enough. My mind is so much better and not as negative. Don't get me wrong, it's still so negative. I had a bad upbringing of negative self esteem through my peers and school district. I let myself get fat. It didn't happen overnight. I believed the lies that people said. I was fat, I was ugly, I was unwanted. And what did I do? I let them say that and it to seep into the mirror. Every time I look at myself I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel worthless, I feel unwanted. I ALLOWED myself to start to believe the lies. I have been through a lot in my lifetime, and I want to be HAPPY! I want to be FEARLESS, I want to be the best I have ever been. I am learning to love myself. It's hard to get past those scars. I know I will fight them the rest of my life, but I need to start. The negativity in my head, that's the devil. Those evil thoughts/judgments, that's the devil. I have the ones that truly love me in my life. Those that make me feel bad, they shouldn't be in my life. Sad that it took me until 30 to officially want to change this. It's better late than never! The number shouldn't matter, its just to show how I am doing. That's what I need to remind myself.